克服最常见的5个交谈障碍（一）

赢得辩论的唯一方法就是避免辩论——戴尔·卡耐基

The only way to win an argument is to avoid it -- Dale Carnegie

多数交谈障碍源于恐惧。人们总是关心他人怎样看待自己。这些障碍使他们很难以一种朴实和真诚的方式去和他人交谈。

Most conversational barriers stem from fear. People are always concerned about what others think of them. These obstacles make it difficult for them to talk to others in an honest and sincere way.

障碍1：“我是对的，你是错的”。有些人认为顺利的交谈就是赢得辩论或者讨论。他们把自己的观点作为毋庸置疑的事实。这些人是特意来说明他们的观点比对方的要好。他的目的是绝不能输掉辩论，表明他是对的，并“赢得”交谈。这种封闭和侵犯性的态度将不允许他人以任何有意义的方式向你敞开心扉。特别是在一些更敏感的感情领域。

Obstacle 1: "I'm right and you're wrong". Some people think that having a good conversation means winning an argument or discussion. They present their views as undisputed facts. These people go out of their way to show that their point of view is better than the other's. His aim was never to lose an argument, to show that he was right, and to "win" the conversation. This closed and aggressive attitude will not allow others to open up to you in any meaningful way. Especially in some of the more sensitive areas of emotion.

当讨论的话题遭遇不同的观点时，绝对的正确和我们假定的正确是有很大差别的。通常，我们的观点可能来自我们的喜好、偏见、猜测，以及我们的处境，他不一定是事实。不要把自己的观点强加于他人。表明你有理解对方观点的愿望。鼓励他向你敞开心扉。更容易让他接受你的观点。试着去让他人明白你的想法和感受，这点很重要。

When different opinions are presented on a topic, there is a big difference between being absolutely right and what we assume to be right. Often, our opinions may come from our preferences, biases, guesses, or our situation, and they may not be the truth. Don't impose your views on others. Show a desire to understand the other person's point of view. Encourage him to open up to you. It's easier to get him to accept your point of view. It is important to try to make others understand what you are thinking and feeling.

当你不同意他人的观点时，要避免使用交谈杀手，如“你绝对错了！”或者“你怎么会有如此愚蠢的想法呢？”当你听到不同观点时，你可以这样说：“在我看来……”“我是这样看的……”“据我的经验来看……”“在我印象中……”

Avoid conversational killers when you disagree with someone, such as "You're absolutely wrong!" "Or" How could you have such a stupid idea?" When you hear different opinions, you can say something like, "It seems to me that…" "Here's how I look at it…" "In my experience…" "As far as I can remember…"

如果他人不同意你的观点，最好这样说：“我想我们有不同的观点。”或者“看得出你有不同的观点，你当然可以有自己的观点。”记住，你有资格有自己的观点，他人同样也有。

If the other person disagrees with you, it's better to say, "I think we have different points of view." "Or" I see you have a different point of view. You are certainly allowed to have your own point of view." Remember, you are entitled to your opinion, and so are others.

障碍2：“我对这个人了如指掌！”当你过快地给他人下结论时，你可能就无意识地为他画了一个“脸谱”。当他某一点符合你心中的这个“脸谱”时，你立马就会产生这样的想法：“看，他就是这样的人。”那些通过个别经历就对他人过快地下结论的人，就像是让你去相信你能够通过一个人的车、职业和穿着而说出他的很多信息一样不可思议。当然，你可以从这些细节中窥到一些东西，但是你过分依赖这些，那么你的结论很可能就是基于成见。你这么做只能得到一个脸谱化的结论，而无法反应一个人的特质。人们都不希望被这样看待。而且你一旦这么看待他们，他们立马就能感觉到，并以同样的方式看待你。

Obstacle 2: "I know this man like the back of my hand!" When you jump to conclusions too quickly, you may be creating a "face" for someone without realizing it. When he fits into your "face" in one way or another, you immediately think, "Look, that's who he is." People who jump to conclusions about other people based on individual experiences are just as incredible as asking you to believe you can tell a lot about a person based on their car, occupation, or clothing. Sure, you can glean something from these details, but if you rely too much on them, your conclusions are likely to be based on stereotypes. You get a picture, not a picture of a person. People don't want to be seen that way. And once you see them that way, they will immediately sense it and see you the same way.

障碍3：“害怕表达自己想做的”。表达你的喜好（即使可能与你搭档的相反），如果你不表达你的喜好、品味、想要的东西和愿望，人们将不知道你喜欢什么、你的目标是什么。人们不擅长读懂你的需求，除非你说出来或者向他们表示出你想要的，否则他们就不知道。如果你不能表达你的真实感受，就可能会引发敌意、怨恨和内疚。做你想做的，没什么不好意思，直接说出你想要的，不用顺从他人的感受和权利。你有权利做你想做的事情，不做你不想做的事情。最好是主动提出你想要什么，而不是等待他人猜测而给给予。

Obstacle 3: "Fear of expressing what you want to do". Express your preferences (even if they may be the opposite of your partner's). If you don't express your preferences, tastes, wants and desires, people won't know what you like or what your goals are. People aren't good at reading what you want, and they won't know unless you say it or show them what you want. If you can't express your true feelings, it can lead to hostility, resentment and guilt. Do what you want, and don't be shy about saying what you want without deferring to other people's feelings and rights. You have the right to do what you want and not to do what you don't want to do. It's better to ask for what you want than to wait for others to guess and give it.

如果在你确实想说不的时候你说了是，或者你不能确定，这时你可以说：“让我考虑一下”或者“我会告诉你的。”或者“我回头给你电话。”不是要同意所有的建议（甚至你不想要的），而是要提供可选方案。陈述你的观点和喜好，对方将会进一步的了解你是谁、你想要什么，以及你对这个课题和活动的意见。

If you say yes when you really want to say no, or you're not sure, then you can say: "Let me think about it" or "I'll let you know." "Or" I'll call you later." It's not about agreeing to all of the suggestions (even the ones you don't want), but about offering alternatives. State your opinions and preferences, and the other person will learn more about who you are, what you want, and what you think about the topic and the activity.

如果我做我想做的，而不是别人想做的，别人会不会觉得我很自私？有些人为他们做自己的事情而感到内疚，觉得别人会不高兴。他们相信别人会发现他们是自私的，以至于收到侵犯和伤害。如果你做一些别人不喜欢的事情，而害怕他不喜欢你，妨碍你追求你的目标和需求。如果你以这种方式生活的话，那表明你对他人的许可和看法就过于敏感了。声明你有凭自己的兴趣做事的权利，而不因为他人可能不赞同而放弃你想要的、你的需求和目标，这会增强你的自主意识。否则你将注定拥有挫败和失望的生活，因为你仅仅基于“别人是怎么想我的？”来回应你周围的世界。

Would people think I was selfish if I did what I wanted, instead of what others wanted? Some people feel guilty for doing their own thing and think that others will be upset. They believe that others will find that they are selfish enough to be violated and hurt. If you do something that other people don't like, you fear that they won't like you and that it keeps you from pursuing your goals and needs. If you live this way, it shows that you are overly sensitive to the approval and opinions of others. It reinforces your sense of autonomy by stating that you have the right to act on your own interests, without giving up on what you want, your needs, and your goals because others may not agree. Otherwise you will be doomed to a life of frustration and disappointment based solely on "What do others think of me? To respond to the world around you.

维护你的权利，做你想做的事情。直接、诚实地告诉他人你的目标、意图和动机是什么——而不需要他们的认同。

Stand up for your rights and do what you want. Be direct and honest with others about your goals, intentions, and motivations -- without their approval.